Friday, October 8, 2010

2012






"THE INVESTIGATOR," SANTA BARBARA NEWS-PRESS, AUGUST 16th, 2008

Prepare thyself: At eleven minutes past 3 o'clock in the morning, Pacific Standard Time, on Friday the 21st of December 2012, the world is supposed to end.

This is what the Mayans, an ancient civilization renowned for their knowledge of astronomy, have forecast, if only by omission. The Mayans looked to the stars to father the modern calendar--and somehow concluded the calendar does not extend beyond 2012.

The Mayans may have witnessed a comet that has since gotten lost; a comet they calculated would strike Earth and render the charting of further days an exercise in futility. Others suggest that a known comet--Nibiri--will smash into Earth on that day.

According to NASA, on December 21st, 2012 our planet will align not only with the sun and moon but also with the center of our Milky Way galaxy, resulting in sunspots and sun flares more powerful than usual--suggesting to some that humankind shall be broiled alive.

Or maybe it has something to do with disappearing honeybees?

Albert Einstein was believed to have said, "If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, man would have only four years of life left."

And now they're disappearing.

This is a phenomenon known as Colony Collapse Disorder, and it occurs when bees do not find their way back to their hives after a day's pollination. (These are the bees you see on the sand at our beaches, walking around aimlessly, disoriented.) Lost and exhausted, they die. It has been speculated that radiation from cell phones interferes with the bees' ability to navigate.

A German study at Landau University concluded that bees would not return to hives when cell phones were placed next to them. Apiarists tell us that the bee population of the United States is down by an astounding 65 percent.

Here's the buzz: Without bees to pollinate crops, a four-year doomsday countdown is set into motion.

Everyone needs a plan.

Here's ours--and it has nothing to do with basement shelters, bottled water and canned beans.

Right after Thanksgiving, 2012, a first-class flight to Paris and a suite at Hotel Meurice; thereafter, foie gras to start, soufflé for dessert, Pomerol and Margaux red wine in between--and pink Cristal champagne and Beluga caviar throughout the day.

It's win-win. If the world ends on the December 21st (eleven minutes past noon Paris time, atop the Eiffel Tower, Restaurant Jules Verne), American Express eats the tab.

If the world does not end, well, serious debt for sure, and maybe a porky new look with clogged arteries and a drinking problem--but still alive!